Joke: Have You Ever Seen One Of These?My son and I were in the thrift shop looking at movies. My son tapped on my shoulder to get my attention. When I turned to look at him, he was holding a record. He said to me "Have you ever seen one of these things before!"
Joke: Cooks Are CruelWhy are cooks so cruel?
Capt. Mel Anderson's Alaskan Whale StewIf you make this, please let me know how it is!
Joke: Barbecued Alaska Polar Bear GruntsGrunts must be genuine Alaskan polar bear grunts. Do not mistake a growl for a grunt. That could be fatal. Grunts should be taken only by an experienced grunt hunter who can tell a grunt from a growl.
Joke: Man in GymAn old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
Joke: Fancy PaintingMrs. Flanders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."
Joke: Big TroubleThere were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.
Joke: String Walks Into A BarA String walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender says "We don't serve strings here." and throws him out.
Joke: Driving?Two old friends, each well into their eighties, were heading out for dinner on a Tuesday evening. After Blanche drove straight through a stop sign, Elizabeth became concerned, but didn't want to embarrass Blanche so she held her tongue.
Joke: PirateA pirate got captured. The sailor said to him, "How did you get that wooden leg?"
Joke: A Real ManA real man is a woman's best friend.He will never stand her up and never let her down.He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
Joke: Dee O GeeThis is a true story I think is really funny. It happen several years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday and chuckle every time I think about it. I was sitting in a doctor office reading a magazine when I overheard two ladies talking about their dogs.
Joke: StripteaseA good friend just sent me this. It's too cute not to pass on.
Joke: LeftoversIt's a little too little to save, and a little too much to dump . . .
Joke: Bachelors CookingTwo confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
Joke: GirlfriendsA group of 15 year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant.
Kitchen PoemA dear friend gave me this poem. She has gone to her reward now, but I think of her often. I hope when you read it you'll copy it and stick it on your fridge. Then smile every day.
Joke: American In The Bathroom?Question: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
Joke: Turning CatholicSister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
Joke: Woman are AngelsWomen are angels. When we break a wing, we fly on our broom. We are flexible that way!
Joke: Beer AdvertisementMy husband's friend Harvey told me this joke and, after hearing it, I realized one more reason why Harvey is still single. It goes:
Joke: On the Island of TridSomewhere, there's an island named Trid. On this island, the Trids were mostly very happy. But on one end of the island, was a very tall mountain. If a Trid ever dared to climb the mountain, he didn't get very far because a giant lived on the mountain and would kick the Trid off his mountain.
Joke: Husband Remembers AnniversaryMy husband was bragging one day about remembering birthdates of all the family. I said "If you're so smart, when is our anniversary?" He hesitated and looked unsure. Then turned to me and said "I know, once a year!"
Coldwater JokeA man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
Dog JokeI was just sent this joke by email and laughed all evening. As the mother of two grown daughters who were very close together in age, I can say that I could have written that note once upon a time! If you think your readers will enjoy it, please feel free to post it.
Catsitting: A JokeThere was once a middle-aged bachelor named Bob who was in a new relationship with a special lady friend. He liked her very much, but there was one drawback; her huge, spoiled, spiteful cat. The cat seemed to always be glaring at him, as if it knew that Bob hated cats.
Joke: Marriage ScriptureA Pastor asked if anyone had a scripture relating to marriage. Someone in the back of the room piped up and said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do".
Joke: New Airline RulesAttendant: "Welcome aboard, sir. May I see your ticket?"
Joke: Jewish and Catholic Wedding SongA lovely Jewish woman was to be wed to a handsome Catholic man. Traditions were equally important to both families and this made choosing a theme song for their wedding a major challenge. The groom's brother had a rich operatic voice and was especially noted for singing Ave Maria.
Joke: Buttered ToastWhy did the man throw his buttered toast?
Questions For God: A JokeA man had a dream talking with God. He asked God TIME must be different in his dimension, to which God explained 1 second is equal to 1 year.
Post Tips on ThriftyFun to Avoid Doing Housework : )I asked my boyfriend for tip ideas and he gave me this one! Post tips on ThriftyFun to avoid doing housework. "*grin*" As I'm on ThriftyFun all evening!
What Religion is Your Bra? - A JokeA man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter.
A Good Joke for an Election YearWhile walking down the street one day, a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"How Far Does This Elevator Go Up?"My friend, Monica, is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties and other such events. She is also blonde and has an appropriately cherubic face.
Elephant Stew (Joke)Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces. This should take about 2 months. Add enough brown gravy to cover, cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees F.
Is The Coast Clear? - A JokeThe doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?" The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman."
Duck in Hardware Store - A JokeA duck walks into a hardware store. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck leaves, and comes back later.
A Wife's Duties (A Joke)Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
Counting Cattle JokeA Wyoming cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy.
Tiger JokeA Tiger was giving a wedding party for his friends. A Cat also came and danced with the others. Tiger asked "Who are you?
Burglar JokeBurglar Joke. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you. . .
Parrot JokeWanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. . .
Coroner JokeIn a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner . . .
What Does the Bible Mean JokeWhat Does the Bible Mean Joke. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means !"
Investing for Your Retirement JokeInvesting for Your Retirement Joke. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Moving JokeA family had spent the day moving from their Iowa farmhouse into a brand new house in a nearby development. . .
A Young Monk Arrives At The Monastery-JokeA young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. . .
Fine Jewelry JokeMrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." . . .
Mental Fitness TestMental Fitness Test. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. . .
Snowman JokeThere are 2 snowmen standing in a field. . .
Comic: Hurry HoneyHurry honey...
Comic: Clipping CouponsClipping coupons...
Comic: PrescriptionPrescription...
Comic: Junk MailDealing with junk mail...
Health Food Jokeam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. . .
Comic: Gas PricesGas prices...
Comic: Dog LoverDog Lover...
Traveling on a Train JokeI don't know if this one's been posted before but I had another funny joke to share. (It's always funny to hear good ones again...)
Salesman JokeA salesman knocked on the door of a house and a little boy holding a cigar answered. The salesman looked at the boy in surprise and said, "Is your mommy or daddy at home?"
Vacuum Salesman JokeA salesman knocked on the door of a house in a new housing development and a lady answered the door. He began, "Ma'am, I'm selling the newest innovation in vacuums, this is the greatest little machine I have seen in a long time," and with that...
Horse JokeWhat happens to old horses?
Frog JokeWhat happens when you illegally park a frog?
Kitten JokeWhat kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
Tough Chicken JokeWhere do tough chickens come from?
Rooster JokeHow do you stop a rooster from crowing on Monday?
Bear JokesQ. What kind of fish do grizzlies catch?
Easter JokesSince Easter is approaching, here are some fun Easter jokes to tell the kids! (Or anyone!)
An Old Timer Is... JokeAn old timer is a person who remembers when a pie was set on the windowsill to cool - not to THAW!
Gift for Mom JokeA man went into the pet shop to purchase something for his mother's birthday. His mother was alone and he thought it would be a good idea if she had a nice companion with her. He couldn't decide what kind of a pet...
Grandma Thinking Ahead JokeGrandma was walking her grandchildren down the street, when a lady said to her,"My, what charming children. How old are they?"...
The Price of Food JokeHas anyone ever noticed that the only food that never goes up in price is...
Heaven JokeA woman approached the Pearly Gates and was greeted by St. Peter who said, "Before you enter, you must spell a word." "Oh," she said. "What word?" "Any word you like," he told her.
Pride JokeSwallow your pride occasionally...
Eggs in One Basket Joke"He may not have all his eggs in one basket, but I think he has enough to fry an omelet."
Light Bulb Joke TellersHow many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
Definition JokeWhat is a Shin?
Taking It With You JokeTrying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
Dentist Bill JokeA woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
Financial Advice in the Bible JokeA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
Seattle Rain JokeA man talks to a kid on the street in Seattle, "Hey kid, I'm here visiting from California for a week and it's been raining every single day...
Bomb Squad JokeWhat do you do when you see the bomb squad running?...
Dumb JokeDid you hear about the old farmer who saw a pig along side of the road and fearing a car would hit it he picked it up and put it in the front seat of his truck.
Bacon and Egg Joke(There's a lot of truth in this "joke".)
When trying to define the difference between involvement and commitment, think about a bacon and egg breakfast...
Man of The House JokeThe husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Alley Cat JokeAn alley cat walks into the corner store, spots the cashier and asks: "hey, got any mice?" The cashier answers: "no." The cat leaves.
The next day the cat returns and asks: "hey, got any mice? The cashier yells: "NO!" The cat leaves...
Elevator Operator JokeJohn Moore of Michigan, tells about the fellow who swaggered into a hotel elevator and, as it moved upward, started trying to impress the pretty young operator...
Sugar in Tea JokeThe hostess poured a cup of tea for a middle-aged man at her party and asked him if he took sugar. "No," he said. "Yes," said his wife brightly at the same moment. Then she turned accusingly to him. "But I always put sugar in your tea!"
Farmer Underpaying His Help JokeWhen a rumor got around that a certain farmer was underpaying his help an inspector came to check up. "How many people do you employ?" he asked. "Two hired men and a hired girl." said the farmer.
Gossip JokeMildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
Birch and a Beech Tree JokeIt is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Pastor's Wife JokeGladys was a pastor's wife and went with him to church every Sunday. One Sunday the sermon was particularly long; some people were getting sleepy.
Screwing in a Light Bulb JokeHow many light bulb joke tellers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Navajo Message For The Moon JokeWhen NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
Joke - Raising Boys - 24 Key Points to Pondera) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. (AMEN!)
A Priest, A Rabbi and a Minister Fishing JokeA priest, a rabbi and a minister go fishing on a rare day off. They row their boat out a ways from shore and put down an anchor. The boat moves just a little bit here and there. They are enjoying being "away" from their jobs, the fishing is very relaxing, and they exchange funny stories about their lives.
Blonde Speeding JokeA blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
Planting Tomatoes JokeAn old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
A Man Shopping JokeA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
A Couple Driving Down the Road JokeA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
A Couple Buying a Car JokeA couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
