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How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.
He is so controlling I could never get a break since he thought if I had kids with me every second I wouldn't be able to cheat, which is crazy because I have never given reason to think I would. I have been out away from my kids maybe 3 times in 15 years so not much chance I was cheating!
He was not cruel at least then, as far as saying it's his money, but 2 years ago my parents died. They were my only family so he knew I had nowhere to go and the abuse really started. He gives me not even enough money to buy food. I can't even buy the kids clothes they need so badly because anytime I ask him, he screams he is broke. I am sure he is, since he pays every bill the minute he gets it. By time he pays bills there is only a couple hundred left out of his check which is $1500 a week. I suggest that maybe make a bill could wait and I could buy food or clothes. I usually get choked, but always called a mooch, leach, or sponge and told to go find someone else to support my pathetic a**. He says this in front of our kids.
So pretty much I am dead inside; I am hardly able to function. I try staying strong for the kids, but it's so hard. I know we all have to go through this every day and have no hope it will be better because everything in his name, including the car. If I try having him lease, which he wouldn't do, I would not have a car or a dime because he makes clear he won't give any money until I figure a way to get a lawyer with no money to pay retainer and get him in court.
My kids are terrified I will try divorcing him, even though they can't deal with this hell, because he has pounded in their heads if he ever leaves they will be living in a gutter with their mom because she's too pathetic to support them. Sadly I couldn't support them.
I am desperate to know how can I make him have to pay support from the day he is made to leave; if I am able to get him out? I read a lot where people say go to a friend's or family and I have none of either so it's not an option and the shelters are nowhere near here so I would have to move kids away and take the dog and two cats to a shelter. I have hard time thinking that after the hell they have lived that they should suffer even more rather than the law make him support them?
By Jodi from Arnold, MO
Jodi, my heart goes out to you. I'm no expert at this, but he needs to be reported for domestic abuse. You're in a tough situation and I will be thinking of a better way to answer this is the meantime.
Number one, get a job, even if it is flipping burgers or cleaning motel rooms. You have to start someplace. Number two, take the kids and move into a domestic abuse shelter. It doesn't matter if the the kids like it or not and you can leave the animals with your husband.
Most shelters will have clothes you can pick from for yourself and the kids. If your kids are old enough to say in court where they prefer to live, leave them with your husband and see how they like it. There must be some food in the house, because I'm sure your husband likes to eat. It might not be what you want but it is still food. If you can afford to buy pet food and cat litter, you can afford to buy food.
Also most Salvation Army Thrift Stores give out vouchers for free clothes and even furniture when the time comes that you need that. I have heard that a person can pick out three sets of clothes per person with each voucher. The trick there would be to pick out things that you can mix and match, making it look like you have more clothes. Of course wearing jeans and t-shirts there isn't much mixing and matching.
If your husband makes $1500 weekly, you guys must have some whopping big bills, but my thought is, he is putting some of the money where you can't get to it.
Number one, get a job, and move into a domestic abuse shelter, it doesn't matter what the kids prefer - all in all they will be better off in the shelter than where they are now, at least they will be fed, and usually the shelters have clothes that you and your kids can pick from and some of the clothes are really nice.
From what I have heard the kids get to pick out some toys too. You shouldn't be letting your kids tell you what to do, it is bad enough that your husband uses you for a door mat. You have to grow a back bone and stand up for your rights.
No one can tell you what you should do, because no one knows your situation better than you. There is an organization in your area called Safe Connections that should be able to help you navigate all the obstacles you face right now. http://www.safe org/Default.aspx
I have read the posts, and agree with them all. I am not sure you can get a job, so that is only for you to decide.
Do report him. If you don't, probably no one else will. You say you try and be strong for your kids, but you have to be strong because of your kids.
I was in an abusing marriage, and after 7 years, I left him and took my daughter with me. The family on both sides helped, but so did social services. I had enough support that he knew I didn't have to even report him to the police, as if he made any trouble they would be there between him and us. Your situation is not the same.
If you don't document every single time, there will be no pattern of abuse, and nothing to prove why you have to leave.
The shelters have independent people who take you in that would be closer to you. I know as I was a "safe house" after I lived in one. They are usually single women who will come and get you and your kids any time you need them. I called the city of Arnold, and they confirmed that the closest shelter is in St. Louis, but I took the liberty of looking up and calling some shelters. Here is the link with the locations and contact numbers.
I worked in a shelter in Coos Bay, OR in the late 70's when they were pretty much new. We tried to get a woman out of her relationship but she kept going back. He finally killed her. Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids, GET OUT!
I guarantee no one will let you or your kids live in a gutter or starve. He can't kill your spirit unless you let him. There are way more people to help in this world than there are to hurt.
Please find them. Sandi/PBP
There are attorneys who who donate their time in cases like this, although you may have to wait until one if free, to handle a divorce. You can still talk to them regarding your rights. My father told my mother many of the same things.
Once she was finally able to break away and talked to an attorney, he told her that because of the number of years they were married, she had rights to part of everything he had - even a future inheritance he would get when his mother died would be part hers.
My father hanged his tune when he consulted with his attorney and was told the same thing. He didn't mind losing his wife, but having to give her half of everything was another matter.
You can also usually get him to cover some type of education so you can support yourself and the children, and a temporary alimony. He will have to support the kids too, until they turn 18. When you get out, take a financial course; start reading up on it now on the internet. It will help you greatly, in the long run; letting bills go unpaid and leasing an auto are not great financial decisions.
Also, we've lived for years on less than your husband brings home weekly as our total monthly income. You should be able to get by. Unless you have outstanding bills, he is doing something else with the money.
I was a stay at home mom too with one kid (age 1 at the time) and one on the way. I left my husband with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a diaper bag. I had no where to go and not a dime to my name. But I found out that there are organizations and agencies out there that will help you. Since you obviously have access to a computer, go online and research it. You'll be amazed at the options you never knew you had.
The main thing is, though, to leave! His abuse is obviously escalating. Soon he'll be outright beating you, and then come the kids. Don't think he won't beat them too. He will.
Call 211, it is a national hotline. They can put you in touch with nearest agency that deals with abuse and shelters.. Will help you find someone to at least talk to for now. You do not need to stay in this situation. It is not your fault.
Get out now! I am a retired psychologist with 35 years of experience. It always escalates. Pay attention to the person who said that the woman who kept going back got killed. It happens.
Go to church for help. There are those who can help you out there to help support you.
I have a well paid husband and a 2 year son. I'm 26 years old and unemployed. He often abuses me verbally in little arguments and always says go back to your home (divorce). It's been 4 years that I have been tolerating everything. He has good side also. But today he hit my son accidentally and also hit me very hard so that I almost fell, just because I didn't come when he called. I was in the kitchen washing dishes. Then he started talking about everything being over. What do I do? I'm an Indian and divorce does not go very well with my society. Please suggest some ideas?
I am 24 years old and 3 months ago married my husband. We had been dating since we were 16. We always had our problems, but here in the last years it has gotten to the point of no return. We ended up getting married, although we always planned to, because we were expecting a baby boy. We got married the week before he was born. My son is now 3 months old. My husband has struggled with a pill addiction for ten years, if he does not take drugs he barely talks to me and my son, so sometimes I give him money just so we can make it through the day. In the last two years he has not held a job or paid for one single bill. While I was pregnant I worked two jobs up until the day I delivered just to get by while he stayed at home and slept.
I am drowning in debt, and can barely pay rent. Recently he has gotten worse than ever before, he had always been slightly verbally abusive, but now he is physically abusive as well. He has also started threatening to kill me, saying his life would be easier if I were dead, and tried to strangle me one night, but stopped as I was gasping for air. I didn't know what changed him so much. Why was he not happy we were finally married? Why was he not so happy about our son? We had always had our problems, but we have been best friends and always been so in love. I finally found out the other day that he has been shooting up heroin. When I confronted him he told me he hated me and locked himself in his room, he then left and got his fix and came back apologizing saying he will change.
The next morning it all started again. When I ask him about getting a job or bother him about bills, he calls me horrible names, like ugly fat bitch, whore, cunt, etc. Last night I was giving it one last chance. We planned to go on a date and he had to get pills first because he can't function without them. While we were going to get the pills I later found out he had actually picked up heroin. I cried all the way home, but he persuaded me that it was his last time and we went to eat. While we were at dinner everything was fine, then we went to pick up our son. I told him when we got home I'd like to go to bed because I had work early this morning. He said that was okay, but once we got home and I tried to sleep, he started saying that he is trying so hard to make things work with me and I'm not trying cuz I wanted to sleep and started saying he is going to find somone else to make me happy.
Since I wanted to discuss this I started trying to talk to him. He told me to shut the "f..." up or he was gonna scream and wake up the baby, that if I said another word I didn't care about our son. Thru the night I would wake up and beg him to stop being this way. He went on to call me an ugly fat bitch and whore. He came over to me and squeezed my face and neck and punched me in the head. He said he would be so happy if I went and died in a ditch, that everyone hates me, even my own family.
All I ever do is try to make my family happy. I work all the time, go to school, and take care of my son while he lays at home until he can get drugs to get up for the day. Why do I still love someone so much that treats me this way? On the way to work this morning and going to drop off my son, I thought of taking my dad's gun and finding a ditch and shooting myself so that my husband will finally be happy, I just can't live with this pain anymore. But my son is everything to me, his my angel sent from heaven the only thing keeping me going. I can't support him on my own I need my husband to start working immediatly so I don't lose my home. I am ashamed to tell my family what is going on and refuse to do so because they already seem like I'm a burden to them.
So what do I do? I don't want to die, I don't want my son living in the hell I've been living in; he deserves so much better. I called my husband, telling him that I feel like dying to please help me and he screamed, "I'm trying to sleep" and hung up. I can't get past these feelings. I can't go home and keep living like this. I love him so much and I just want the man I fell in love with back. Why after all he has done does he still think I'm the problem? Literally the only thing I do is get mad due to him not working and doing drugs.
We always talked of having a family. We were so excited to finally be having a baby, so why now? Why is he doing this and ruining our family? I feel so dead inside and all I want is for my husband to change and be sweet like I know he can and to be able to enjoy my new little angel, but I'm so afraid of what is going to happen that I just want to die. Help me please. I feel like no one loves me and idk what I did to deserve this life.
My husband scares me. He has had his hands round my throat, calls me horrible things; I feel worthless. His family tells me I am a burden on him. I have primary progressive MS, I still work full time. My dogs hide when he raises his voice.
We don't have arguments, he shouts insults. Last time I was told everything would be better if I got in the car and let him connect a hose to the exhaust and let the engine run. I don't know what to do, he acts lovely when other people are around.
My husband has a habit when he has gotten upset or fought with me, he leaves home and goes gambling. He hurts me too many times and now he has start beating me. Today he lost his temper and wanted to go out. I know he will go gamble that's why I tried to stop him. He beat me a lot. I have a baby that is only 16 months old. I'm working part time. I haven't had my family here in the UK where I can go, for sometime. I am not sure what I want, because I do love him. I don't know what I should do? I don't want to be separate, but I am worried. Is it safe to share my problem with a social worker? Is anything they can do? I am stressed.